Guiding Your Baby - Timeless Tips

(First published in November 28th, 2009: www./www.bbc.co.uk/parenting/your_kids/babies_guiding.shtml)

It's a learning curve

A young baby is unable to work out that crying can annoy you and they can't decide to stop because you're upset or angry.

When your baby touches the video or TV controls, it's because they're exploring and trying to learn how things work - they've no idea it might irritate adults.

Even as your baby gets a little older, she'll still have a very short memory.  Once something has happened, it's 'over' for babies.  They won't remember that yesterday you told them not to do a particular thing.

It's natural for babies to be curious about the world around them. They'll do most exploring by touch and can't resist touching TV sets, photo frames, ornaments or anything within reach. ''Babyproofing' your home is a good way to prevent accidents and help you keep your sanity in their early exploring days. 

Key points about guiding your baby

It's not possible to 'spoil' young babies - when they cry they need immediate attention, so don't hold back.

Babies cannot be 'naughty' in the sense of doing things on purpose to upset you.

Under-ones do not have very long-term memories.  Just because you told your baby yesterday not to do something, it doesn't mean she won't be tempted to try it over and over again today - she simply can't help herself.  She may be interested in your reaction... over and over again.

If you want to stop your baby doing something, the best way is quickly to distract and divert her on to a different activity. If you offer a toy, she should happily hand over the keys you need.  If you take her to the window to see what's happening outside, she'll quickly forget that the video was her next adventure.  If your baby is trying to eat your cat's food, pick her up and offer something more suitable!

Actions always speak loudest.  Distraction works better than shouting, telling off or smacking.

Introducing limits and guiding

As babies get a bit older - about nine months to one year - you can start to guide them. You can begin to teach your baby the behaviour you expect and the difference between right and wrong. Even when your baby begins to understand what is meant by "no", she won't always do what you want. She won't really understand how others feel for a long time yet, and can't work out that what she's doing could make you cross - so there's absolutely no point in punishments.

Praise your baby - she still won't understand why certain things seem to upset you.  Giving plenty of praise and attention to the behaviour you do like and want to encourage works better than telling off about behaviour you don't like.  If you have to say "no", keep it to times when you need a quick reaction - for example, when your child is about to touch something hot. If you say "no" a lot your baby will get used to it and won't react.  Remember, babies will think "no" is a game if you end up laughing when you say it.

Be consistent - keep rules and limits the same from day to day.  Build routines, such as regular mealtimes and bedtimes; these help your baby understand what you want.

Be positive - your baby will learn how to behave and get on with others by copying you.  Here's your chance to teach your child how to be kind and friendly just by being that way yourself.

Keep a sense of humour - it can be hard to be amused when you see your keys being thrown down the toilet, or the toilet roll being unravelled halfway around the house.  Your patience will be tested when your baby goes back to the TV knobs for the 100th time, or tips the vegetable purée on the floor.  Where possible, try to see the funny side of your older baby's antics.  Take a photo and think about saving up these memories to share at your child's 18th birthday party.  Remember, this phase is over all too soon.

Be realistic - Don't expect too much, too soon. It's normal for a six-month-old baby to mess about with food, and it's normal for a baby enjoying being on the move to want to touch everything. Babies will make lots of 'mistakes' because of their immaturity and lack of experience, it's all part of how they learn.

All children gradually need to have limits set for them.  It's never OK, for example, to bite a brother or sister or to pull a friend's hair.

For some babies it's enough to say "don't touch the video" or "please stop doing that".  Others will have to be physically lifted away. Always explain why the behaviour is not OK.

Remember, your baby learns by trial and error. She doesn't know behaviour will annoy you.  She only thinks "if I try doing this I wonder what will happen", not "if I do it, I can make mummy and daddy mad".

Quick tip:

Guiding and setting limits is not the same as punishment - it's gradual teaching about how to behave, and it all takes time.